Education for Men

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh- Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Thanks everyone

Thanks to everyone who has visited my Mums blog and passed on their kind thoughts abouts about my Nana's passing. Honestly it has been very comforting to us all. Special thanks to Ian and Jennifer (you know who you are !) for their kind words and card. Everyone has been genuinely kind to us all and it has restored my faith in human beings after the scumbags who stole from my Nana a few weeks ago.

Weighty Question

Some good news today. I had my letter from the council parking dept and I have been awarded a blue badge for a year. Normally they are for three years but I figured it would be shorter than that because of needing more info on my prognosis.

The snow is finally starting to clear now so it will be good to be able to get out and about more than I have been for a bit rather than just to the doctors / hospital / work.

Had a very bad time with the pain this morning and OH turned to me and said -"Don't you think it would help if you dropped some weight." Cheeky Bar steward its hardly like hes matchstick like either. Im not fat I am in shape ....round is a shape.

Nah it did shock me that he would say that as my BMI is reasonable although with not walking and Christmas admittdly I am still * a little * lardy round the edges. Think I shall eat his bar of chocolate that is in the fridge as compensation.

...And after having to shell out for a new sofa suite as ours was bust, forking out £200 for the car service and over £200 for a decent wheelchair our washing machine breaks down. 2 days after the Currys sale ends- sods law.

Shopping fun !

Do you HATE the BORING weekly supermarket shop????

Try these suggestions to spice up the trip!!!

Take boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they are not looking.

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minuteintervals.

Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and tell shoppers you will invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, pick your nose, and eat it.

While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle ask an assistant if they know where the antidepressants are.

Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the"Mission Impossible" theme.

In the kitchenware aisle, practise the "Madonna look"using different size funnels.

Hide in a clothing rack and while people browse, yell"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

When an announcement comes over the loud speaker,assume the foetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while; then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Designer Dogs

New designer cross breed dogs...
Collie + Lhasa Apso =Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow =Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter =Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso =Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound= Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog= Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador =Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer= Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute= Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier= Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu= Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Update

Even though I am off work at the moment I have oodles to do, an assignment sorting out Union business both locally and the logistics of conferences and it was lovely to see my folks at the weekend just to have some get away from it space.

I haven't mentioned it on here before because I wanted to tell mum and dad first but I have some new transport at the moment. I was fighting it for a while but it actually not as bad as I imagined.

Today I have had my assessment for a blue badge and I should know within a couple of weeks if I am eligible. There has been hell up in the local newspaper a.k.a fish and chip wrapping over the amount of people the council are turning down even a guy who has two artificial knees!.

I must admit after the cursory five minute examine the nurse gave me -with no reference to my medical notes I do question why this scheme can't be administered by the patients G.P.

Going out for a meal tonight as yesterday was mother in law's birthday shes lovely but a bugger to buy for. So Dave took her a big bunch of flowers and some chocs yesterday (I was too ill) and we are going to take her and father in law out for a slap up meal tonight. We had to do something as we had ran out of Andrea Bocelli CD's and DVD's to buy her. Cunnigly I had worked out that she liked him from the poor discription she gave me of "the blind fella".

I love the internet

At home feeling yucky and bleugh and I can still shop for shoes technology is great!

Sofa Loafer

All go today thank flipping heck that OH's dad has been here. New Sofa was supposed to be delivered between 12-6. Daves dad came down at 10 to help Dave take the old sofa to the tip. (It had been eaten by the lurcher). New sofa we are reassured by OH will definately fit through door.

Luckily I am in all day as the delivery unexpectedly arrives at 10.30am when theres only me and dog in the house. Course now I can barely walk (having a mega bad day) compared to yesterday and so unable to bring sofa inside. Which definately WON'T fit though door. Delivery men end up leaving sofa in back garden and 1 hurried call to Dave and he and his dad achieved the impossible and managed to bring it in after ages of huffing and puffing.

Now sofa is done I am knackered after rooting round for keys / trying to look after the dog and sorting out two jobsworth delivery fellas.

I also have lots of things to do as the house is a tip and I need to complete some forms by the end of today. I also definately need the front room redecorated as my wallpaper has marks from where the old sofa was next to it and it looks horrible.

I can't wallpaper for toffee ...neither can OH bugger.

Sorry for the delay

I have been unwell ...quite unwell infact. I have been having very bad pains and fatigue which have even been affecting my ability to walk more than a few feet, painful spasms and it is difficult for me to work properly (Not just blonde syndrome for once). My doctor has been seeing me since before christmas on and off. He has told me that in his opinion it is probable that I am having a relapse of M.E. although at this stage he isn't ruling out MS completely. Bugger.

Sunday Fun for Eric and Dave

ermmm

still avoiding starting on my essay on avoiding work. Ironic huh?

This week my fence blew down due to the gales it is now fixed thanks to some Dave handiwork (with me it's Don't Do It Yourself). OH has taken Eric out for a walk on Cannock Chase so they can spot the wild deer whilst I am here *supposedly* writing aforementioned essay.

But instead
I've just ordered the second series of House M.D. and am gonna finish the 1st series which OH bought me for christmas.

Dave is still actively job hunting and has some more interviews lined up. Seems the new trend is to not to even bother to contact you if you are unsuccessful at interview which I think is downright rude. Fair enough I can understand not replying if you don't make it to interview but if you have bothered to attend interview they should come back to you.

Right off the soapbox.
or the crispbox in my case. Pringles are devils work.